What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.

“How do you do it?”

I get this question a lot in reference to living with all that I do – mental illness, chronic illness, cancer – in relation to a lot of things people think I do well in my life.

Examples:

How do you maintain your positive mindset?

I don’t.

I allow myself space to feel my negative emotions without judgment and without letting them consume me. If I’m in danger of drowning in a negative feeling, I reach out for help.

How do you still write?

I don’t. I go long stretches without writing all the time.

My creativity is a mindset, not a specific skill set, so I keep it engaged in ways that are less taxing on my mind when I’m unable to apply it to writing.

How do you keep advocating for yourself?

I don’t. I take long breaks from medical appointments whenever I’m able.

I go as long as a month without speaking to medical providers at all because I’m just burned out.

How do you maintain your relationships?

I don’t, but it’s not just on me to maintain them, fortunately.

I’ve got a chosen family and trusted circle of friends that understand we need to check on each other and that my silences are neither personal nor a good sign.

I know the same about them, so we have reciprocity in that respect.

How do you cope so well?

Again, I don’t always cope well. I struggle with my reality all the time.

I break down. I cry. I have days I don’t get out of bed because of emotional or physical pain, and I feel very sorry for myself in those moments.

I lean very heavily on my support system at times to get me through. I go to therapy. I take medication.

I put a lot of work into just surviving sometimes, and survival isn’t really healthy coping. It’s just getting by.

How do you hold onto hope?

My hope comes and goes. It flickers like a candle in a room with a draft. I fall into despair like any reasonable person in my situation would. I’m only human.

How do you do everything you do?

It’s a lot of knowing myself well enough to know what I need and what I’m realistically capable of each day.

Some days, that’s watching movies or reading in bed.

Some days, that’s a lot more.

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All these questions feel to me like the people asking them assume that I have some kind of hack to managing my invisible illnesses.

I don’t.

Please know that I struggle more than most people ever see or hear about – just like most people living with one or more of these invisible illnesses do.

Furthermore, please remember we were never given a choice.